Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
