apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
