I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
