I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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