I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
