Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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