I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
