It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
