I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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