Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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