he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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