I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
