I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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