Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
