I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
