We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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