so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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