I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
