You just made me feel so damn special
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
