Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize