Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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