Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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