The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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