I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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