I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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