woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
