I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
