My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Your penis caused this!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
