An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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