We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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