Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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