drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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