I'm eating all of the evidence.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
