how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
