My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
A+ Viking dick
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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