tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
