I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
