I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
