Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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