Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
