don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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