I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
