i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
