Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
