i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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