after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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