Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
