if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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