It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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