I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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