And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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