Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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