Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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