Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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