Screwed.edu
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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