i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
