Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
