is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
