I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Fuck appropriateness.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
