Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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