i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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