We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The adults are the big ones right?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
