john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
