I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
