a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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