My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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