I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
