im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
