if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize