You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
