wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize