captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My ATM looks so different sober.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
