My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
