Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
