fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize