If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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