Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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